Inner Voice

Numb

I want to be numb
That feeling of no feeling at all
Blissful blankness
No more heartache, disappointment
No need to feel needed, wanted
Beautiful, simple nothing

I want to forget
Not to know, not to remember
Blissful blankness
No more memories, real or unreal
No more need to rehash the past
Beautiful, simple nothing

I want to see
no signs of sadness, no worries
Blissful blankness
A vision of me without the pain
Free to move into the future
Beautiful, simple nothing

Thank You

You came into my life when I had no one
not a friend to lean on or hand to hold
A smile, a wit that brightened my world
You found me hiding under all that sorrow
looked past the bruises, the broken parts
lifted me up so that I could stand again
held me there so I could get my footing
You placed yourself in my life
at a time I was certain I could not
be much of anything to anyone
soothed my pain with a kind word, a silly joke
a simple smile so charming it melted my resolve
I hope you know that your beauty is not
in the shape of your face, the curve of your body
but in the size of your heart

Community

You call it community
pressing yourselves into small, dark rooms
swilling booze, watching boys
hoping to drown the loneliness
in pounding beats and pretty drinks
You call it community
surrounding yourselves with rainbows
signifying your “diversity”
playing at games of being equal
all the while separating yourselves further
You call it community
priding yourselves on your promiscuity
hookups and casual encounters
playing into the stereotypes
that portray all of us as simple sluts
You call it community
paint it pretty for yourself
dress it up in fancy labels
that support your misguided ideals
but community it is not

Voice

A darkness beckons those of us that trust
An unrelenting, gnawing knowing
that what we hold so dear
could fall from our hands, our hearts
without a warning, without a reason
Something calls from deep below
whispering its menacing message
just loud enough for doubt to hear
An uninvited reminder of failures forgotten
of past broken hearts, of loves lost
A darkness not unwelcoming, not uninviting
just unwanted because it speaks with a voice
that knows too well that those of us that trust
are the bearers of broken dreams

Lies I Tell Myself

I lie to myself
Just little lies to get me through
like that everything is all right
Everything is going fine
Nothing to worry about
Everyone takes their own time
to get back on their feet
I want to be better
To be able to think about him
without my heart hurting
To be able to speak his name
without having to catch my breath
To be able to see his face
without wanting to touch him
I don’t know when
I’ll stop crying at night
staining my pillow with regret
I’ll stop feeling so alone
waiting for him to want me again
I’ll stop needing this pain
to hold me up and hold me down

Close

I watch you next to me

Your eyes flutter with dreams

I cannot even imagine to know

Your beautiful face so innocent

so soft, so simply flawless

lips pursed like you might speak

The night, eventful, has taken its toll

You lie there as I drive you home

sleeping so peacefully

curled in the seat like a boy

on a trip back home from

some far off place

I want to touch you

to feel your warmth under my hand

I kissed you earlier

When we got into the car

just leaned over and kissed you

I needed to feel close

I fight the urge, again, to touch you

It’s a need so strong that I have to

stop myself, more than once

I don’t want to wake you

You look so perfect

If only I could keep you this close

Keep this unbelievable night

from ever having to end